So I'm back in London after possibly the best Christmas I've ever had...the title of this post gives you an idea of how it sounded when I landed back to reality. It hurt like a bitch.
But before I get in to that, I'm going to promise that this will be the last post in which I do any kind of wallowing. Whilst I was home a few people said to be how they had been worried about me because on my blog I sounded so sad and lonely, and that's not what I wanted this blog to be. I wanted to use this as a platform to let all the people who I am far away from know what I am doing and what my life is like down here. Yes it sad to be away from home and yeah sometimes it's a little bit lonely, but I will not wallow in it.
This week has been particularly tough however. I know the first week in January is never fun for most people, the come down from Christmas and all the good times spent with family and friends, the celebrations and fun, and love and warmth...and then it's January. Well I had all of that as well as coming back to London after a week of being by Chris's side for the longest amount of continuous time we've ever spent together. I felt sick when I got back here, that kind of stomach sick when an awful feeling consumes you. That feeling only started to slightly fade today, four days later. And I don't think it will ever be fully gone. Christmas was just so perfect and I keep asking myself when I'm sat alone in this still strange place - what are you doing?? Why have you chosen to be so far away from the things that make you the happiest?? I've driven myself a little crazy with it and barely slept all week, therefore making me tired and miserable, and therefore making me even more distant and sad. Until today...I woke up today feeling a whole lot more positive and a realisation of knowing that I can do this.
So that is it...no more wallowing. I shall wallow no more. I can't. I know Chris wants me to enjoy my time here and to be successful and I've got to start wanting the same things for myself. It'll take time to feel settled, I know that, but time is what I have so I will enjoy it.
As I briefly mentioned above, Christmas and New Year were amazing for me. We split Christmas Day and Boxing Day between mine and Chris's families and both days were amazing. It was easy and comfortable to be with his family and I felt part of it, and I think he felt the same with mine. We are a unit now. Ben and Chris. He is part of my family and I am part of his. It was a great feeling. I got some pretty great presents too, lotsa good stuff...my favourite (I know it's wrong to have favourites) was a canvas off Chris. It's a scene of Manchester taken by a photographer we know in January of last year, the time when Chris and I really started getting serious about each other. It shows an area of the city, covered in snow, that I used to have to walk through to get to his apartment. It shows the Palace Theatre, the Palace Hotel and the Cornerhouse all in bright vibrant colours, with traffic and people going about their business. When I look at it I can feel it, I remember it, I remember how it felt to walk that journey. It awakens so much within me. I whole heartedly love it and I can't wait to hang it in my new house...
Oh yeah, that's right...new house! Tomorrow brings a little bit of excitement, I actually managed to find somewhere I want to live and I'm moving in! Hooray! I can't wait to actually be able to have all my possessions around me and go 'home' everyday. It's a flat, one of three in a converted terraced house on a really pretty street between Brixton and Herne Hill. I'm living with the girl who owns the place, Mills, and she is really, really nice. From the second I met her we got on pretty instantly and hopefully I'll make a good friend out of her. At first I was little concerned about the area but really that was only out of ignorance...the only thing I knew of Brixton were the stories older generations told of it or opinions from those who had never even been. So the things I'd heard weren't great, but when I actually went and hung out there I loved it. It's such a mixed bag of cultures and people and lives. There's plenty of stuff going on there...I think I'll enjoy it. And then on the other side of the house is pretty Herne Hill...full of nice bars, pubs, restaurants and cute shops and a gorgeous park with an outdoor pool (which I'm told in the summer is something to behold). Location wise I'm getting the best of both worlds and I really hope I'm happy there.
Another amazing thing about tomorrow is Bird and Winnie are coming to London for the weekend!! For those who don't know, that's my mum and my step-dad and no those aren't their real names. They are bringing all my stuff down from Manchester, that's the main purpose of the trip, but I am going to get the most out them being here. Once we've got the boxes in the house we are going to abandon them and go out for the weekend. My mum hasn't been to London in over 30 years and I don't think my step-dad has ever been. So I'm going to take them to where I work, to Westminster Abbey, to Big Ben, to Oxford Street, to South Bank...all fun places. I want them to get a feel of what my life is like here, if nothing else so that when I speak about it to them it's not just words. I want them to see my life here!
One thing about tomorrow...and I don't want to call it a sad thing, but then I don't know what to call it. One thing tomorrow brings is a bit of final stamp on this whole move. I know I can get up and leave whenever I want to, but moving in to somewhere with all my stuff and making it my 'home' almost feels like it takes me further away from the home that I have left and Chris. It's like 'this is it, this is where you live now'...It's just a weird step. But I will not wallow, I will not.
So, I'm taking tomorrow as the start of my new year. It's a new chapter and I have to take all the people and things that I love in to it with me. I plan to make this year an exciting one and to make the most of this opportunity. I'm looking forward to all the things I will do here, I'm looking forward to what this opportunity will mean for Chris and I and all the exciting things that could happen there, I'm looking forward to new times with friends that I have down here who I've not spent a whole lot of my adult life with, who I will make new memories with. I won't forget my emotions and I will let myself be sad when I need to be, but I also promise myself to enjoy what's about to happen in my life.
To you...I miss Christmas. I keep having moments when I think that we shouldn't have spent so much time together so that this week would have been easier when I had to come back. But I wouldn't change it, if anything I would have doubled my time with you.
A lot of this post talks about a new chapter and exciting new stuff I want to experience...I want you to know that this new chapter includes you and the steady thing that I have throughout all of this is us.
I can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you next week ;)
