I left my soul here, down by the sea...

I wrote this a few years ago, but have been feeling it these last few days. Bring on holiday good times...

How is it that a hot day can transform everything? I love it when that day comes around each year that you realise that summer finally might be on its way.

Every where smells different, every where looks different, and you feel different. The mundane half an hour walk to walk turns into a glorious stroll down a sunlight catwalk. Your whole body feels lighter, your breathing come easier and deeper. The usual cafes and bars you walk passed have a new smell of fresh coffee, summer food and the promise of good times with friends to come. Everyone at work is happier and more relaxed and you get more done because the quicker it's done the quicker you can get home.

Then when the afternoon starts to fizzle out, and the earth starts to cool down and the warmest, sweetest smell of a summer's evening descends and you can almost smell your most recent summer holiday and the memories made there. You read your book in your garden, on your balcony or even by an open window and somehow your imagination is more alive. You long for fresh bread, fresh tomatoes, olives, garlic, olive oil...the Mediterranean. The breeze is warm, and your heart is warmer.

I am such a huge fan of Christmas and being all wrapped up for winter, and look forward to it from as early as I can. But today, when I realised that summer was coming, I wish it would stay like this forever.

Everybody loves the sunshine...

What to write...

I really want to blog, but I am finding it hard to get anything clear in my head. I am very much having a conflict of interests.

I want to go home.

I like London life.

I want to go home.

I like London life.

I want to go home.

And it goes on and on and on...

The City and I...Part 1.

I have taken it upon myself to explore as much as I can. I live in one of the most exciting capital cities in the world, a city where people travel from all over the globe to experience and I aim to experience it too. So whilst it is easy, or rather easier, to stay in my trackies and hoody on a cold Sunday afternoon and watch crap TV I am not going to let myself do so...well not all the time anyway!

My destination today was the Museum of London and the area around it. I knew there was an exhibition on that I wanted to see, but also I wanted to check out the museum as a whole. So off I went...I decided to get the bus rather than the tube and I have decided that, where possibly, this shall be my exploration method of transport. I love the tube, in a really weird way I love getting on it. I love the smell, I love the history, the workings behind it and the 'we're how far under the ground?!' factor of it...but the obvious downside is you don't get to see anything on your travels. Hence the bus! It may take a littler longer, and the person sat behind you may chew and pop and snap chewing gum in your ear for the entire journey (grrrr!!) but what you get to see makes it all the worth while. So off I went on the bus, after a bit of a wait in the cold and rain, (mainly due to the fact that I missed my first bus because I was in the shop buying chocolate) with my face pressed against the window to see what I could see. My first exciting find came without even leaving Brixton...a Nandos, and a Fitness First. A place to eat chicken and a place to work it off!! Not overly exciting things to spot for most people, but after living here for two months and being unaware of their existence I was happy to see them. I have to admit that there is not a whole lot to tell of what I saw from the bus window, but it was just good for me to see where I live and see the life going on around me. To note new bars, parks, deli's and shops; it all makes a difference to my environment.

Not too long before I had to alight, I knew we would be crossing the river. I love crossing the river. So far since I've been here the weather hasn't been great or too clear when doing so, but even then I love how the greyness of the Thames matches the sky and the buildings. Whatever bridge you're on you just get those few minutes of total open sky and space, you see the city in two halves and London opens up.

I got off right by Bank tube station. I've only ever really been anywhere near this part of the city at night, and so to see it during the day was new...to see it during the day at the weekend was weird! It's an area of the city known for finance and money and investment (hence the name) and power and busy business suity men. At the weekend, it's like a scene out of 28 Days Later. Everywhere is shut up and closed and other people were few and far between. It's an area that thrives on it's weekday workers and goings on, and it seemed almost abandoned at the weekend. But, whilst it was weird it was also pretty cool to feel like the only person around. For my 15 minute walk to the museum I owned the streets and explored them. It's such a cool area. The mixture of old architecture and stone work, mixed with the sharp metal and glass sculptured buildings of today often stopped me in my tracks. I loved the contrast but what I really loved is that neither type of building, whether old or new, looked out of place. I spotted one new office building which was all glass and chrome and sharp and had futuristic gardens and fountains out the front. I stood and took it in for a second, and then noticed a small plaque on the wall of the garden...

I stopped still for five minutes to try and even picture who and what had stood where I currently stood.

So, to the museum. From the quiet peaceful streets to a very, very crowded place. I walked in and paid no attention to the signs pointing in the different directions of what was where...I always do that in places like museums and libraries and usually end up missing out bits. But turns out today my senses had lead me in the right direction. From here on in I journeyed through London from 30,000 BC all the way up to a time which has not yet come to pass. I saw how the Romans lived here and the civilisation they created, not knowing it was the foundations for the future. From the window of the museum you actually get to see a piece of the wall which used to enclose the original city...I wanted to run out and rest against it. I have a habit of doing that in old places, or places full of history and old life. I like like to run my hands along walls, and touch the life that was there before me. In Malta, where I have been once or twice a year since I was far too young to remember, the history there is so immense that even now I have barely scratched the surface. It's one of my favourite places to touch. To touch the walls of the buildings and to take it in...I love it. So, I do that in museums a lot too and usually get in trouble for touching things I shouldn't. I then travelled through the Medieval years, through the Tudors and so on in to the Victorian era. There was a section here where you could walk the streets of Victorian life...you could go in its shops and houses and even see it's public toilets. I found a quiet corner where a lonely lamp post stood. I wondered where it had been and what it had seen in its time. In capturing a photo of it I again found myself seeing the old and new of London in one.

Making it through to the 1920s, I found myself looking at a beautiful, unfamiliar thing from a very familiar place. The original lift from Selfridges. I was so drawn to it for some reason, I couldn't take myself away from it.

After passing through World War Two and the colourful 60s and 70s I somehow managed to skip the 80s, 90s and 00s and found myself in a very unknown and eye opening place. The future. Whilst it wasn't the exhibition I came to see I had wound up in the middle of what this great city could look like in the years to come, what it could look like if our, or when, our planet drastically changes. It was eerie...

My photos most definitely do not do this exhibition justice and so I would advise anyone who can get to see it to go. Beside each picture was an explanation of how and why these changes had come about. It was some real deep thought material.

I left the museum without seeing the exhibition I had intended to. I'd decided I wasn't up to the hour and half wait in line and my brain was satisfied with the knowledge I'd capture whilst there and so I left with a better understanding of the what happened to get my new city to where it was, and what could happen in its lifetime.



I knew, when leaving the museum, that I wasn't too far from St Paul's Cathedral but I was pretty worn out by this time so decided just to go and take a quick look at it and be on my way. However, after I couldn't help myself from slipping in to Starbucks and taking a pit stop I was back on form and back on my exploration tour bus for one. I walked around the outside the huge cathedral for about ten minutes first just trying to take in it's magnitude. I couldn't. I couldn't grasp its huge existence and how it was born from one man's mind and that it stood in front of me. I tried to capture it from what I saw as a fitting angle from the rest of my day. Old in between the new.

I hadn't planned to go in, mainly because I thought it would cost, but I was surprised and somewhat confused by the fact that I could just walk in. So I did. I couldn't get very far as the majority of it was roped off - the bit I'm guessing you have to pay to see - but I was far enough in to get lost in its amazing beauty. It was grey and dark outside so the light through the windows did not add much, making the dozens of candles light up the cathedral in that way that only candle light can do. A service was on up ahead in the main section and it's organ music echoed off the walls. I sat quietly for five or ten minutes, maybe more, and took it in. I'd been here before but only as an excited child on a school trip aged 10. Now, as an adult I was at total peace and calm. I found it very, very hard to leave. I remember when I was travelling in Verona and I happened upon an old church during organ practise. I had sat there for close to an hour, finding it impossible to tear myself away. Sat in St Paul's I felt the same longing to stay.

So after my first proper date with the city since I've been here I am somewhat infatuated. Now I'm here I want to experience everything it has to offer. I want to know it, not just live in it. Today was just the start.

To you...yep you guessed it, all that was missing was you. I had such a good day today just strolling around and taking everything in, it would have just been amplified if you were there to share it with. I've got big plans for when you come to stay this weekend!

Love

I can only give you love that lasts forever
And a promise to be near each time you call,
And the only heart I own,
For you and you alone
That is all, that is all.

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall,
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter night
That is all, that is all.

There are those, I am sure, that have told you
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you
And a love time can never destroy

(A.Brandt, B.Haymes)

Evolving

I know...it's been over a month since I last blogged, but there a few reasons for this. Firstly as much as I said it in my last blog, I wasn't fully out of my wallowing period. As much as I banged on about how I was going to stop harping on about missing my Manchester life and the decision I had made I wasn't fully ready to settle with my decision. Then half way through the month I had a visit back home for Chris's birthday and our anniversary which, much like Christmas, was amazing but in terms of how I felt about being here it took me back a few steps. So I didn't want to blog about it...my feelings had to be dealt with and dealt with them I have. Secondly, along with my parents coming to visit, moving house, the previously mentioned trip home and also a weekend in Bournemouth I haven't really had the time to say much other than "I'm tired"! And lastly, I just wanted time to settle. I wanted time to be here normally, in my new home, going to my new job and just doing normal day to day stuff. I needed to give myself chance to find out what it's really like. So that is what I have done.

Chris has been to stay a couple of times, once for just a quick overnight visit and then for a longer weekend. This has helped me settle massively. At first I was just going home a lot and having to keep leaving him behind every time I came back and it was killing me. My life with him was up in Manchester and I had to keep leaving that behind. But now he's been here, he's stayed in my house and in my bed, he's met my house mate, he's met the people at work and we've explored my new world together. Now part of our lives together is down here, it makes it so much easier for me.

I've also had visits from my parents, and a couple of close friends which again really concreted my life here. This is where I live. This is where I live and my life will carry on here, just in a different way. But it's still my amazing life.

So, so far in this London life these are the things that I'm liking...

• Brixton. Man alive Brixton is crazy busy. It's in your face, it's under your feet, it's in your ears, it's wafting up your nose...and I love it. It's so multicultural and so alive you can't help but want to become part of it. I love the markets at the weekend, there is so much going on, so many people, so many languages. And the food they sell...things I have never seen in real life before, different types of meat and fish and even vegetables. I know it sounds trivial, but it's like being in a different country. I like it, a lot.
• Work. I know everyone is supposed to like their job, but that's not really what I mean. Channel 4 is pretty cool, it's a pretty cool place to work and don't get me wrong I know I'm not saving lives or working for world peace, but I get a little bit of a buzz being part of that place. Everyone on my team is so passionate about what they do, it makes me really want to get involved. I guess it makes me sit up and pay attention. My team are all really nice, all really different, cool people. Every week we have a departmental meeting, and some weeks I just sit and look around at them all. All those people, in that room, aiming for one thing, to strive to do what we do, the very best we can do it. Like I said, it's not ground breaking but it's possibly the most passionate I have felt about a job.
• Exploring. It's hard not to find something, or some place or somewhere new everyday. I love Manchester, I really, really love it. Living there almost all of my entire life I know it like the back of my hand. It's comfortable, and happy and safe to me. But it's the total opposite here. Everything is new, everything is unfamiliar. I get lost on a daily basis and I like it. I pretty much take a wrong turn or end up walking the long route round somewhere every day, but it's all part of exploring. I've found some pretty cool places from my lack of direction and I like constantly seeing new things in this city.
• Running. I've started running (thanks to you Rach) and so far I'm really enjoying it. I'm still pretty new to it and I've started mainly because I don't want to pay the gym prices but I've found it actually has more to offer than the gym. I guess it follows on from the exploration thing, because I'm getting to see different parts of where I live. And so many people run down here! Seriously, you pass so many other runners and most, which I like, share a smile.
• Reading on the tube. I know you can read anywhere, and I do read other places, but I get some kind of weird enjoyment from reading on the tube. I think it's because in a city where it is soooo busy, and peak time on the tubes is when the city is usually at it's craziest, I am just me. I am just me in my own little bubble in the world of my book and whilst I'm there and I'm part of the 1000s of lives and things going around me, for those 10 minutes in the morning and in the evening I'm somewhere else at the same time.
• Being anyone and doing anything. This point is selfish, I need to say that before I go any further. Being here and spending large chunks of time by myself, I pretty much only have myself to look after and think about. That may sound wrong, but it's not how I mean it. Chris and my family and friends are never off my mind, and caring for them and wanting the best for them is all I want. When I am with Chris my instincts take over that I want to do nothing but protect him and shelter him and care for him. But it's strange being here and only having to worry about myself. At first I couldn't get used to it but now I quite like being anyone I want to be and doing anything that I want.
• The Sharps. I know I have probably mentioned them in every blog I have written so far, but it really means a lot to me being close to them. We met when our adult lives were just beginning and since then we've not had huge amounts of time together. It's always been long weekend visits, or a few hours for drinks or dinner, or that weird time I came and lived here for 6 weeks (good times) but aside from that we've never got to do the normal week in week out growing up and going through life together. Now, it takes about 15 minutes or so for me to get to their house. Since I've been here we've seen each other about once a week and I love it. They've made being here so much easier for me, and probably helped me out more than they realise. It's nice having our lives so closely intertwined, and it's indescribable being able to get to know Milo.

This is just the start of my list. My life here is started to form and take shape and it no longer worries me. It excites me. Chris will be visiting more and more, and things for him may change also in the future and our lives down here will start to grow. I've realised now that being down here isn't something to worry or panic about or get upset over...it's actually really exciting. I'm excited.

To you...I loved having you come and visit. I want to stop calling them visits when you come because you're not visiting my life, you are fully integrated in to it. I can't wait to carry on exploring with you and living out London together. I am excited about life here, but you make this London thing a whole lot more exciting.

CRASHBANGBOOM!!

So I'm back in London after possibly the best Christmas I've ever had...the title of this post gives you an idea of how it sounded when I landed back to reality. It hurt like a bitch.

But before I get in to that, I'm going to promise that this will be the last post in which I do any kind of wallowing. Whilst I was home a few people said to be how they had been worried about me because on my blog I sounded so sad and lonely, and that's not what I wanted this blog to be. I wanted to use this as a platform to let all the people who I am far away from know what I am doing and what my life is like down here. Yes it sad to be away from home and yeah sometimes it's a little bit lonely, but I will not wallow in it.

This week has been particularly tough however. I know the first week in January is never fun for most people, the come down from Christmas and all the good times spent with family and friends, the celebrations and fun, and love and warmth...and then it's January. Well I had all of that as well as coming back to London after a week of being by Chris's side for the longest amount of continuous time we've ever spent together. I felt sick when I got back here, that kind of stomach sick when an awful feeling consumes you. That feeling only started to slightly fade today, four days later. And I don't think it will ever be fully gone. Christmas was just so perfect and I keep asking myself when I'm sat alone in this still strange place - what are you doing?? Why have you chosen to be so far away from the things that make you the happiest?? I've driven myself a little crazy with it and barely slept all week, therefore making me tired and miserable, and therefore making me even more distant and sad. Until today...I woke up today feeling a whole lot more positive and a realisation of knowing that I can do this.

So that is it...no more wallowing. I shall wallow no more. I can't. I know Chris wants me to enjoy my time here and to be successful and I've got to start wanting the same things for myself. It'll take time to feel settled, I know that, but time is what I have so I will enjoy it.

As I briefly mentioned above, Christmas and New Year were amazing for me. We split Christmas Day and Boxing Day between mine and Chris's families and both days were amazing. It was easy and comfortable to be with his family and I felt part of it, and I think he felt the same with mine. We are a unit now. Ben and Chris. He is part of my family and I am part of his. It was a great feeling. I got some pretty great presents too, lotsa good stuff...my favourite (I know it's wrong to have favourites) was a canvas off Chris. It's a scene of Manchester taken by a photographer we know in January of last year, the time when Chris and I really started getting serious about each other. It shows an area of the city, covered in snow, that I used to have to walk through to get to his apartment. It shows the Palace Theatre, the Palace Hotel and the Cornerhouse all in bright vibrant colours, with traffic and people going about their business. When I look at it I can feel it, I remember it, I remember how it felt to walk that journey. It awakens so much within me. I whole heartedly love it and I can't wait to hang it in my new house...

Oh yeah, that's right...new house! Tomorrow brings a little bit of excitement, I actually managed to find somewhere I want to live and I'm moving in! Hooray! I can't wait to actually be able to have all my possessions around me and go 'home' everyday. It's a flat, one of three in a converted terraced house on a really pretty street between Brixton and Herne Hill. I'm living with the girl who owns the place, Mills, and she is really, really nice. From the second I met her we got on pretty instantly and hopefully I'll make a good friend out of her. At first I was little concerned about the area but really that was only out of ignorance...the only thing I knew of Brixton were the stories older generations told of it or opinions from those who had never even been. So the things I'd heard weren't great, but when I actually went and hung out there I loved it. It's such a mixed bag of cultures and people and lives. There's plenty of stuff going on there...I think I'll enjoy it. And then on the other side of the house is pretty Herne Hill...full of nice bars, pubs, restaurants and cute shops and a gorgeous park with an outdoor pool (which I'm told in the summer is something to behold). Location wise I'm getting the best of both worlds and I really hope I'm happy there.

Another amazing thing about tomorrow is Bird and Winnie are coming to London for the weekend!! For those who don't know, that's my mum and my step-dad and no those aren't their real names. They are bringing all my stuff down from Manchester, that's the main purpose of the trip, but I am going to get the most out them being here. Once we've got the boxes in the house we are going to abandon them and go out for the weekend. My mum hasn't been to London in over 30 years and I don't think my step-dad has ever been. So I'm going to take them to where I work, to Westminster Abbey, to Big Ben, to Oxford Street, to South Bank...all fun places. I want them to get a feel of what my life is like here, if nothing else so that when I speak about it to them it's not just words. I want them to see my life here!

One thing about tomorrow...and I don't want to call it a sad thing, but then I don't know what to call it. One thing tomorrow brings is a bit of final stamp on this whole move. I know I can get up and leave whenever I want to, but moving in to somewhere with all my stuff and making it my 'home' almost feels like it takes me further away from the home that I have left and Chris. It's like 'this is it, this is where you live now'...It's just a weird step. But I will not wallow, I will not.

So, I'm taking tomorrow as the start of my new year. It's a new chapter and I have to take all the people and things that I love in to it with me. I plan to make this year an exciting one and to make the most of this opportunity. I'm looking forward to all the things I will do here, I'm looking forward to what this opportunity will mean for Chris and I and all the exciting things that could happen there, I'm looking forward to new times with friends that I have down here who I've not spent a whole lot of my adult life with, who I will make new memories with. I won't forget my emotions and I will let myself be sad when I need to be, but I also promise myself to enjoy what's about to happen in my life.



To you...I miss Christmas. I keep having moments when I think that we shouldn't have spent so much time together so that this week would have been easier when I had to come back. But I wouldn't change it, if anything I would have doubled my time with you.
A lot of this post talks about a new chapter and exciting new stuff I want to experience...I want you to know that this new chapter includes you and the steady thing that I have throughout all of this is us.
I can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you next week ;)